heroless endeavor

so its been ..what.. 5 years.. here you are trying to wiggle yourself back in. errrr back off.. ok so you apologize.. the funny thing is you have no idea what you did.. you thought it was for something stupid.. really did you honestly think i'd get that mad over a wine cooler?!? please i've drank more than that.. who am i to say you were wrong. we were young.. well at least younger than we are now. no what made me mad was YOU ...while you were suppose to be with me you chose to walk away. you told me "stay here i'll be back..." HA! you left to go talk to some girls.. who does that.? you see it wouldnt have been a big deal.. no not at all if you were to introduce.. you know be the genleman you never knew how to be. you came back what 15 minutes later while i sat at the table like an idiot! all you said was "you want to dance" are you kidding me? does it look like i want to? i said no and looked away.. you said "fine" and walked away. ok no sweat...

he said it was a secret ... i dont believe him... i know he wants to tell me.. he might as well... what could it hurt.. what damage could honestly come.. its always a secret.. how i loath secrets at the moment

i have a wall.. its the biggest wall you could ever see.. you have to fight to get in i just hope its worth your fight.. behind this wall theres not much to find a half empty hole and shards of what used to be.. but my walls do the best they can to protect whats left so far so good. after all their still standing..

the past couple of nights i have gone to the movie theater... last night i watched the long awaited "NEW MOON". it was glorious.. everything i could have expected... i read all the books awhile ago.. then i heard they were going to make it into movies.. i was so excited to watch them.. but after being highly disappointed with the TWILIGHT movie.. i didnt know what to expect with this one.. but to my surprise it followed the book wonderfully... though i would still recommend reading the book to anyone whos interested.. over all i loved it... the other movie that i watched tonight with the mother was called " BLINDSIDE" it to was amazing.. i would highly recommend it as well.. though if your an avid cryer like my mother bring your tissues and sobb quietly so the rest of us heartless people can enjoy the movie.. :)

the other night i was hanging out with my winderful friend Arcelia and her beautiful daughter Khyrstal.. Khyrstal is only 5 years old.. its the perfect age to say thie funniest things.. though im a lil sad cuz she cant remember my name.. haha.. i was with Arcelia yesterday while she picked up Khrys from school.. i walked up to her and she looked at me with this huge smile and ran up and gave me a bear hug!! she said "I missed you so much" awe way to warm my heart.. but then she whispers "mom whats her name again"? haha.. i guess Anastasia is just to hard to remember.. lol a couple days before we were all in the car.. and she kept asking whats your name i cant remember.. i told her and she replies .. "my brain keeps saying Anastasia"...

where could i have gone?? how could i have been? my world used to be so completely different than what it is today. everything within me has been broken and shattered to a million pieces.. parts of those pieces have been stolen and misplaced. who needs them anyway.. ive got cuts on my cuts and scars that still bleed. they wont be there forever.. little by little im healing. my chest doesnt feel as empty as it was yesterday. i still think of the stupid things ive done and the things people have done to me. what am i going to choose to be?? the victim or the victor ? it makes more sense to be the victor... at least with my personality.. im to proud to let someone think they've beaten me down.. though its so much easier to be the victim.. but the victor achieves more. i think VICTOR wins hands down.. sure every once in awhile i fall down ... but i dust off my knees and get back up again.. sometimes i even try to run before i walk.. never ends well.. but i learn and keep moving....

i wish i knew how my world ends... it would make things a little easier.. ... hmmmm please dear sir tell me your secret. tell me how you know..

As my chest rises your breath falls My life is your death. My beating heart kills you. Is there no way for the both of us to win, To live? Its a fight that we both know is hopeless yet somehow, somewhere deep within us we still push forward. Death moves back and forth between the two of us. Maybe perhaps he'll just give up. The struggle will soon exhaust us. That my friend will be the day death will over come. The day death will succeed

i wish i could break through.. i wish i could be the friend you never had.. make you smile in your darkest hour... but if it means anything if there ever is a time that you need to vent.. im really good at listening and i dont take things personal.. so im here i can be the target that day. im sorry you have to go through things alone.. even though it doesnt have to be like that, i keep telling you this.. hmmmm one day youll find your exception.. with all the love i can give.. Anastasia

i said i'd never let you go but i never i said i'd fall and i meant it... ooo a day to remember how i love you....

you are amazing... i seen THIS IS IT TODAY!! it was amazing, MJ was very talented.. unlike any other also the new Flyleaf cd= fantabulous.. i cant wait for 30 secinds to mars to come out with a new one.. i've been waiting... you know what else is amazing?!?! the monster under my bed :) he doesnt come out to play when i'd like... my brother sang with me for the first time the other night.. awe i love him he's absolutely incredible.. he is really good.though he would never let you know.. sooo shhhh thats between you and i..:] i had lunch with the sister.. that was fun.. o and also there is this HELLO KITTY stocking at FYE.. errr i want it.. thats about it ....

this friday is a day to write love on your arms.. ive talked of this movement before. and as i have said i am a firm supporter of TWLOHA. for many reasons one being i am a cutter.. i have cut since i was 15 and though i have fought the urge there are days when you feel weak and vulnerable. and the days events just weigh you down. I know that most people who dont cut dont understand what the purpose is. its not something easily explained and even if i tried my best to you still wouldn't comprehend. and thats ok with me. we are easily broken as people. we look for ways to release pain and anger. to let go of emotions. letting go is easier said than done. so we turn to things such as cutting and some people literally burn themselves. I know that this is a strong addiction. one not easily broken. but keep fighting, keep pushing through there are people who care. even in your darkest hour there are thousands of people who are fighting and supporting you. if you make a mistake and feel t...

How easy it is for her to play with you That wide grin, those BIG brown eyes You just couldn't resis could you? I told you she would fail you I told you she'd leave. Oh but you were blind All you seen was her beauty and the way she said 'I love you'. As she did with all the others. You actually believed her?! What made you think you were different, That she would be completely yours? I could have loved you like no other But i wasn't pretty enough wasn't great enough. You made sure i knew it. Now your heartbroken stupid boys they ALWAYS fall for stupid girls.

your misconception of me makes me laugh dont put me in your box, i'll never fit. you push me down and i only fight. i might fight like a girl but i know you'll feel it. you yell, i'll scream keep it up. i never let go i'll hold on to the nothing you left me

if i could be your tiny dancer id want to fit in your pocket.. pull me out when you wanna smile just like an old music box. except i dance to silence. its the sweetest sound you could ever hear.. in silence i twirl in silence i spin.