heroless endeavor

soooo i leave for Honduras tomorrow.. we finally get to go.. i remember i was bummed when it was canceled last year but now i can understand why.. i think we have all for the most part grown as christians. we are all going with the right motive.. well most of us anyways.. there will always be the ones who dont see it until after they get there.. but its ok as long as they catch on eventually.. so its 6:33 friday night and i havent even finished packing.. im such a procrastinator.. oh well :) i have to make a list so i wont forget anything.. but im even bad at doing that.. i dont function well on lists.. im to right brained for all that. but im sooo uber stoked... well i'll be gone for 10 days.. prayers would be appreciated for our missions crew.. with love.. ME..

baby noone owns me. i am not a possesion to be had. i dont come on sale.. you cant order me. i walk in my world and you, YOU are just a bystander. a mindless being wandering around. the moment you said MINE i said goodbye. i am a strong independent woman i can hold my own. i dont NEED you. you think cuz your man i melt with one look in your eyes. honey you got a little something to learn. she might have been like that but not me, not i , not myself. i am not OWNED.

could it be that you inspire me in the very worst way. i mistake your mask for reality and your words for truth. how a heart is easily fooled to believe in compromise.. how a head convinces the wise to be foolish. im at your every beck and call i have said i wont wait but here i am waiting for a sign. u promise me a utopia before you crash my world into shambles. you spit on the very thought of my success and chew my words as if they have no real meaning. i fight and i embrace the thought of who you seemed to be. i just lay here hoping that soon enough you will lie with me. what a bottomless thought.. an ignorant dream. in some sick way.. i know this is what i deserve of course it is im just waiting for him to tell me what i did.

i have alot of exciting changes coming my way.. its all hush hush now.. but just wait and you will hear ALL about it..

i am not a charity case. i am not a sob story. i refuse to be treated like one. and for that i must say goodbye. call it pride, call it rebellion, but really who in their RIGHT mind wants something out of sympathy.. (points to self) NOT this girl. i am bigger than that. i cannot accept what you offer. because to me the offer is illegitimate. its a lie plain and simple. something to use so others can pat you on the back. NO THANKS... with a smile.. sincerly yours truly..

dont tell me whats good for me.. cuz i will most likely RUN...

your secrets and lies tear me apart.. you think i dont know but i know, little words are hard to cover.. sigh its bound to happen i suppose.. little by little your fading and im losing grip. each little bit of my heart is being unsewn piece by piece.. its my fault.. as the song goes "maybe i should have loved you a little harder" i fail.. the end..

she's only one. a misguided soul looking for acceptance and comfort from all that comes before her. "i dont want to be alone". the bleeding she causes herself is easily hidden behind the softness in her eyes. her song of a beautiful life is easily bought by those who refuse to see her heart. by those who are conssumed in their own affairs. day to day she presents who she is in little hints placed in the bystanders ear. how easily they neglect her cry. each day she fades into the fog of forgetfulness. she is slowly severing herself from inside out. one day she will no longer exist. she could have been something more than an hollow body. noone would see her, noone would care.

oh how i have slacked on this whole writing thing.. i used to do it non stop for hours on end and now.. its just not the same. i've been doing alot of thinking.. alot of praying.. discovering who i am in God and how He sees me. I want to be able to see myself how He see's me. I as a woman struggle with insecurities, doubts and emptiness from time to time. i will beat myself down and see myself as nothing of importance.. just as some would say "another face in the endless crowd". I was reading today in a book called "broken to beautiful" and the author was talking about Hagar the servant of Abrams wife Sarai. How Hagar must have felt when she had to move far from her home to because she was a servant and then to be forced to wed and sleep with another womans husband, than on top of that be treated wrongly for something your mistress made you do. Sarai being jealous that Hagar bore Abram a child was cruel to Hagar. so Hagar fled. and in her loneliness God call...