heroless endeavor

Life, its been quite the journey. As much as I've wanted to get back at this again, I have also been avoiding it. There has just been so much that has happened from my time in North Carolina until now. This is somewhat of a recap I suppose. I left NC with a lot of unwanted baggage. I say this in the most metaphorical way possible. As most of you all know. I was married to a marine and we lived out in Camp Lejeune. It was a pretty awesome stay as far as the friends and opportunities I had.  Unfortunately it was short lived due to my ex-husband not being a very nice person and to some of the PTSD he suffered from that went untreated. Basically the relationship was toxic and abusive. So much so that I lost a lot of who I was in always being on the defensive and sticking up for myself. I'm not saying that is was all his fault. Just as in any relationship, both parties are responsible for nurturing or poisoning. So here I am almost 5 years later living my life and loving it.   ...

My hiatus has been necessary. But believe me I have missed this place.. It seems this is where I come to clear my head. Turns out I won't be going to Hawaii for personal reasons. I may get into it at a later time. I am happily living in Iowa with my family awaiting Christmas and loathing the cold. I have learned more about myself in the last 6 months than I have in a lifetime; at least that's how it seems. I have learned to be happy and discovered so much about myself. I work two jobs and love them both. I work hard to get where I need to be and do what I have to do. I am a survivor and I take pride in that. My walls were crumbling and just as I thought the debris was going to crush me I looked up and saw that there was so much more I was missing behind those walls. I am running forward and doing all the things that I was not able to do. Grabbing and taking advantage of the things that come my way. Here is a little look into my world first picture in the new house . AJ To...

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I must say that means something to me. More than something. It is said that every 9 seconds in the US alone a woman is assaulted or beaten. That is a horrifying truth. What had happened to this world. I know that this kind of treatment has been around dating back to biblical times but it just seems to be disgustingly ramped these days. Where is the respect parents should be teaching their children? Where is worth? It saddens my heart to know many of us women have to go through this daily. I can only speak from personal aspects but as a child I saw the affects a man can have on a woman. Diminishing her until she lost her value. She meant nothing to herself. Imagine words spewing like venom, telling lies like "no one else will love you", "Who else would want you?", "You're worthless." Many women have to live with this type of degrading reality. Yes we can set our worth but when you hear the same thi...

The kid on the left is gettin it! I know the video about area says something about Mexico but I was told these kids are from Argentina.. It doesn't matter they are super cute. 

Spending the night listening to his amazing voice and journaling. I really feel like this may get the things I need to get out, out. I find that Everything tends to hit me at the weirdest of times. I want to cry when I least expect it. It just creeps up and scares the heck out of me. I really do hate feelings sometimes.. If I am honest I can't even figure out what is the pin point of my sadness. Yes there is a big picture but what is the real reason? So my journal is filling up pretty quickly with some kind of message from my heart. Even so I am afraid to be completely honest. Little by little, day by day I know I will discover it all. In other news, I have acquired 2 jobs. I have a feeling I may be tired for some time but it will be so worth it. I embrace the busy schedule and the ability to achieve things which is my ultimate goal. Fulfill some dreams. whether it be concerts or cosplay.. or something even bigger that I will keep to myself until I get there. I am making time fo...

 

I've found freedom in what's broken little pieces of shrapnel being remolded together. My heart is free to skip those little beats, my lips are capable of lifting into a smile. I have found my strength in the piled garbage Just needed to do a little sifting. Beauty has once again been returned to me. Confidence runs through these veins. No more condemning eyes no more sly remarks. I'm passed the empty backlashes and gritting teeth. It's remarkable, what a little time can bring you. what delight you can once again find in the simple. I remember how to breathe (inhale-exhale) my steps are patterned by my own desire, not that of another's. I have taken my liberty and I have decided to run I will not be drawn back or distracted. Wasted time is no longer an option. I belong to me. I am mine. On this day I declare peaceful freedom. My name is Anastasia and that means something. I will surely rise again. I was chosen for this day and age. I was ch...

I have found myself to be quite sexist on certain things. Like swear words.. I really don't care about them when a man says them, unless it is just too much. Like every other word.. that just gets old. But when a woman, girl, female whatever has a potty mouth it really, really bugs me. I find it un-lady like and just not classy. I feel we as women should hold ourselves up and choose to be respectable. For years my sex wanted to be on the same level as a man but do we really need to sound and look like them? I feel men are supposed to be the man! If I am in a relationship I certainly do not want a man who sounds girlier than I do or I don't want to sounds more manly than he is. We really should stop referring to each other as Bitch, Hoe, Hooker, etc. I mean if we don't respect each other who will. You do not look tougher saying the F bomb. Now I am not saying that it is completely off limits but just keep it limited! Be beautiful inside and out. A bad mouth and attitude can ...

So today my friend April shared this with me and it meant a lot. She is helping to support the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). Please read her letter and consider donating to the cause. To many people die everyday for reasons we may not understand. It hurts my heart that people can feel so alone that they think there is no other way. I have had suicide touch close to me and every year it seems more and more people choose to use it as an escape. So many young people especially. The causes are vast and wide but if we can just help one person it will be worth it. Fight for life. Remember to always consider other people. You have no idea what is going on in others' lives. They could feel that they are on their last limb and you would never know. We have become masters of disguise. We can fool others we are ok when we are beyond broken and lost. Smile and people, say hello. We live in a lonely world where electronics and work control our everyday. God Bless You and r...

Today was my bugs birthday. He turned 2 today! I can't believe it. It blows my mind how much he picks up. I am so thankful he is in our lives. He knows how to brighten my day without even trying. I don't know what our family would be without him. My little Malachi. Just think in a few years he will be taller then me and no longer my little bug! I cannot think of such a day :( but for now I love his innocence. He has this obsession with trains and elmo. he loves to sing and dance. He just loves life. And I love him more then words can say. of course there are pictures of baby Emma because she is too cute to leave out! XOXOXO Anastasia When we first met  brofists HULK style

This Labor Day weekend has been pretty awesome.. I got to go to Lifelight this year and see some pretty incredible bands play. (For Today, Children 18:3, Flyleaf, Disciple, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, and I found a new band that I like. They are Phinehas!) I was pretty stoked when the lead singer followed my instagram. Like a giddy little girl, and to think its all because I spelled their band name wrong.. oops;) Anyways it is always a good time to hang out with my brothers especially when there is Epic music involved. I always tend to surprise people with my music.. but I like it like that. I may look girl but do I know how to rock! I was up close and personal for For Today and then I was so hyped I had to move to the back to dance and mosh. It was fantastic. People who don't understand moshing have never tried it! and if you have and still don't like it try doing it while your stressed or angry. It is a fantastic feeling releaser. I only fell once. The good thing about lifelight ...