heroless endeavor

thanks for leaving.. making me feel like i did something im sorry if i did. but now you 've erased me completely. ill wait for you to talk to me. but it might never happen again. please dont feel alone... when you do know im here.. not that it matters to you but you can always come and talk to me.. even if its 20 years later... now i know what it feels like to be erased.

my favorite pictures my awesome shirt mischeivious i love her smile MI PAPI MONKIES... all the snow some of the cutest girls in the world mi prima Aurelia y yo

so im sitting here and its 12:47 and everyone in my house is still awake except my dad.. my aunt Misty (my mothers younger sister) and her family are here from Omaha.. this is the first family we've had any of our family here other than my grandma in a very long time.. its nice but it kind of makes me sad. o well.. anyways the night has been filled with food... presents... my wonderful little cousins Aurelia and Maria... and crazy stories.. my aunt is filled with them.. though im happy to say im still her favorite... bahaha but dont tell anyone. well according to my grandma we are mostly swedish and french.. bahaha i didnt even know i was french.. i know i have italian and native american and a bazzilion other things.... obviously im mexican. ooo these days.. i hate the cold and the ssnow..brrr..

there were secrets in the snow.. come and play it taunted but something about its soft luster seemed so dangerously wicked. staring from my window.. i wonder, will i have the courage the will power to face this.. the white demon that blows in the wind.

my heart is just for decoration at least thats what he told me. something he could carrie and show the world a possesion that meant nothing. he threatened to collapse it in his fists. he told me that i had no control. "your nothing without me" with each pulsating motion his grip grew tighter. he was afraid that i'd learn the truth my heart could never be his and he'd gain nothing even in its death. but fear forbade me to move. not an inch did he give me. deprived of oxygen i was caused to shrivel to die, to become nothing not even a memory. lost in this oblivion with all the others who'd come before me.

it seems to me you created your own romeo and juliet. falling in love.. an endless romance for sure batteling the world and all of its blows. fighting to stay together. secretly meeting her in the darkest, most romantic scenes. caressing her head while she lays on your chest. listening as she breathes softly in her deepest slumber knowing her forever would be yours. this forbidden romance, the ones every soul dreams of. its yours for the keeping.. diligently you battle to keep her as yours. she tells you to run "dont worry my love , for when you return my eternity is yours" you do as she says, knowing its gonna be a struggle knowing you wont be able to touch her or see her for some time. as your pacing in this far away hiding place you get word she has moved on. you heart beats faster and you make the decision your life is worth nothing without her. in your search you find what you refuse to accept. there she is with another man. you beg and you plead. after all you know her...

I think its quite interesting that people are freaking about the world ended in 2012... and they claim its a mayan prediction.. hmmm Mayans NEVER predicted the worlds end... that was just a myth that the western civilization thought up .. its funny how easily people will believe garbage.. i guess thats what happens when we have free will.. o well

got nothin but time on my hands.. think im gonna read.. i need to finish this book. had 4 christmas parties in the last week.. errr working ALOT... stressed.. when are you coming home... ?!?! i hate waiting for things.. i am the kind of person that will procrastinate but when i do something i HAVE to finish it... so Arcelia and I went to barnes n noble this past week.. we each picked out a book purchased it and traded.. haha so we are reading eachothers books.. though she is already done.. lets say somehow even with a kid she beat me!!! ive just been so super busy!lets say ive had tons and tons of coffee and im loving it!!

apparently i tear hearts... unintentionally. im the scariest thing to this monster scarier than (__fill the blank__) i apologize. for giving you more than most no obligation here.. i know that... if i told you i weep would it matter. of course not. so ill keep that bit of information to myself. i secure who i am once again. you say you hide.. maybe physically but i hide emotionally ill go back to that hole... ill be tucked safely in myself. that my monster is my guarentee.. please forgive my feelings..

i want YOU to be my post secret

i was writing about you. then i erased it there were no right words. i tried i really did. i want to tell you i want you to know.. but im at a loss. so ill just sit here and write. write about how i cant tell you how it wouldnt matter. how i wish i could fix it. for now ill try to empty this drop it at the bottom of this bottomless pit

love... a game for fools. it makes me laugh it makes you drool. she kissed him gently with her eyes open she knew exactly how to pretend. fooling him was the easiest. stupid boy she thought.. how can you be so blind i will be your death and you will die slowly. she smiles with satisfaction as he looks at her in awe sweet words fill his mouth.. as she gobbles him up.. his world held in her hand... not knowing the crushing defeat he will be handed.. wrecklessly he gave himself to her and carelessly she threw him away.

i can honestly say this is one if my favorite songs by them.. and i love all of their songs!! makes me think ALOT.. how many ppl havent come home.. or even attpemted to call..err We say it's okay and to leave it alone But I want you to notice this case isn't closed Doors are open, the lights are left on And there's never a night I sleep With the dreams that I'd have if you never decided, decided to leave Decided, decided to leave There's never an ounce that I breathe Without thinking about who I could have been with you There's never an ounce that I breathe Without thinking about who I could have been if you didn't leave The phones been patient to hear your call, but you never touched the dial You never touched the dial and now I know There's someone I wish walked through these halls But you'll never take the chance to come home So come home We say we can learn from this But I just don't know what to do without you anymore, anymore Your absence i...

my mind is going crazy.. i guess if im not wanted i wont push... though i enjoyed it thoroughly.. but did i really expect it to continue. on my butt once again. hmmm but my heart hurts even though i dont want it to. ill pretend im ok with the sudden change but.. ha i laugh at myself. its a LIE.. and i say i dont lie.. maybe not to you.. but to Anastasia i do. o well one day i'll wake up and realize why ppl always walk away. i must smell horrobly wrong.. i cant believe im awake at 3:24 in the morning with this.. thaanks.. soooooo very much. i blame myself.. good night.. until i can find some other crazy thing to say... all i can say is "REMEMBER ME, OH GOD"....

the stars shown bright this night the one with sleepless surrender they asked me what i thought of the moon the moon i said.. hmm thats a good question i think its delightful. giving off just enough light to see from inside these shadows. the ones that i lurk behind watching as life passes by. longing to belong but yet still yearning to be different.. its a choatic mix of nothing that i can achieve. im afraid i'll stay in these shadows forever. never leaning on peace of mind or acceptance. clinging only to what i know best. lingering in darkness and creeping in the night. what a poor, poor soul replied the stars as they left after night.

i am ..... Broken... forgotten ... remembered.... alive mistaken.... cold half full... empty ... insecure... happy... casual..... peaceful.... a fighter... hopeful.... gentle... loud.... CRAZY... emo.. heartbroken... both lost and found b l e e d i n g everything and still nothing... hardworking.... goal oriented... creative... delightful.. intrigued ... resentful... PROUD ..... insignificant... hard headed... grudge holder... misunderstood magical ... mysterious... giddy.. excited.. protecter of persons friend .. i am ME

each and every night your world burns only because you set the fire.. as much as you hate the pain you keep welcoming it. like your closest friend.. the one you know you should let go of but cant.. the screams resound in the night. your body is restless. weak from the fight and the run, you tried to give up once.. only once. it was the your most glorious failure.

it seems crazy it seems absurd.. who am i to even pretend to be half of what you need every second here is one closer to the edge.. send the rain make it cold my soul is here yet my heart fell in the past years.. there goes that face, in the middle of them not much to look, at not much to see. i cant breathe. im drowning in the air.. maybe its what i need .. who needs breath anyway

make me a masterpiece the kind that leaves a legacy paint my lines with your fine brushes and everlasting images take me through history if only i were costly shake your hands with the crippled strokes keep your ears, let your eyes blur. make me warm, make me lost look at me as senseless inspiration

oh whats been happening.. lately ive just been working and working.. holiday hours are a real bummer.. dont get me wrong i like my job i just wish we played better music.. lol.. and right now our cd is 80 percent holiday music.. we are getting a new cd thursday thats 100 percent christmas music.. errrr i love christmas just not the lame music we play.. we need to throw in some family force five christmas along with the lame jonas brothers songs.. o well its only for one more month.. thank you Jesus..

he called me his MUSE... his secret .. i like that in some crazy way. sometimes i think you should just run already... ive been told i can make you feel lost.. though not intentionally.. though the thought of you running scares me.

eh i feel apathetic tonight.. wish i had a heart somedays.. maybe then i'd care its just a black whole.. i guess you cant have everything.. i would say thats what i got left without... sigh.... :/