My hiatus has been necessary. But believe me I have missed this place.. It seems this is where I come to clear my head. Turns out I won't be going to Hawaii for personal reasons. I may get into it at a later time. I am happily living in Iowa with my family awaiting Christmas and loathing the cold. I have learned more about myself in the last 6 months than I have in a lifetime; at least that's how it seems. I have learned to be happy and discovered so much about myself. I work two jobs and love them both. I work hard to get where I need to be and do what I have to do. I am a survivor and I take pride in that. My walls were crumbling and just as I thought the debris was going to crush me I looked up and saw that there was so much more I was missing behind those walls. I am running forward and doing all the things that I was not able to do. Grabbing and taking advantage of the things that come my way. Here is a little look into my world
October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I must say that means something to me. More than something. It is said that every 9 seconds in the US alone a woman is assaulted or beaten. That is a horrifying truth. What had happened to this world. I know that this kind of treatment has been around dating back to biblical times but it just seems to be disgustingly ramped these days. Where is the respect parents should be teaching their children? Where is worth?
It saddens my heart to know many of us women have to go through this daily. I can only speak from personal aspects but as a child I saw the affects a man can have on a woman. Diminishing her until she lost her value. She meant nothing to herself. Imagine words spewing like venom, telling lies like "no one else will love you", "Who else would want you?", "You're worthless." Many women have to live with this type of degrading reality. Yes we can set our worth but when you hear the same things over and over by someone who is supposed to love you, you can't help but believe it. Eventually you get comfortable in your own pain. You get comfortable getting treated that way and just accept it. Living day in and day out deep inside of yourself. After awhile breaking out seems impossible and lonely. But words are just the beginning. It turns to mind games and then physical.
Remember everything always starts small but it won't stop there no matter how sorry they say they are or how much they try and do to make up for it. My mother once told me once a man goes down that road with a woman and knows he can get away with it, he won't stop. I believe her. That is not love. Love doesn't make you feel pain, love doesn't cause you to hate yourself. Love should be uplifting. Maybe not always rainbows and butterflies but it should always give you a reason to smile in the rough moments. It should make you stronger together.
Think about this, everyday in the US at least 3 women are killed by their husbands/boyfriends. Any life lost is to much. How can someone be so cruel. There is no excuse no matter the reason they are mad. Get out while you can. Don't be a statistic. You are better than that. No matter who you are, no matter what your story is, You can survive. If you can't get out alone, don't be afraid to ask for help. If the first person doesn't help you KEEP asking. Someone will. Do it for yourself, for your kids. Do it because you deserve better.
you can click on this link http://www.thehotline.org/ or call this number 1-800-799-7233
Spending the night listening to his amazing voice and journaling. I really feel like this may get the things I need to get out, out. I find that Everything tends to hit me at the weirdest of times. I want to cry when I least expect it. It just creeps up and scares the heck out of me. I really do hate feelings sometimes.. If I am honest I can't even figure out what is the pin point of my sadness. Yes there is a big picture but what is the real reason? So my journal is filling up pretty quickly with some kind of message from my heart. Even so I am afraid to be completely honest. Little by little, day by day I know I will discover it all.
In other news, I have acquired 2 jobs. I have a feeling I may be tired for some time but it will be so worth it. I embrace the busy schedule and the ability to achieve things which is my ultimate goal. Fulfill some dreams. whether it be concerts or cosplay.. or something even bigger that I will keep to myself until I get there. I am making time for me. Much needed time. Lots of coffee here I come ;)
Life has a real funny way of laughing at me and throwing a few things my way. There are plenty of people who fade in life and a few you choose to keep close or they choose to stay close.I suppose we will find out when we look back on life who will make the cut.
But I can say I have some tattoos in my future. I can't wait to get them. I have waited this long to make sure I knew what I wanted and I think I found the beginning of a new addiction.
Also, I think I would love a piece of pumpkin cheesecake and a nice glass of Moscato. yumm.
I've found freedom in what's broken
little pieces of shrapnel being remolded together.
My heart is free to skip those little beats,
my lips are capable of lifting into a smile.
I have found my strength in the piled garbage
Just needed to do a little sifting.
Beauty has once again been returned to me.
Confidence runs through these veins.
No more condemning eyes
no more sly remarks.
I'm passed the empty backlashes
and gritting teeth.
It's remarkable, what a little time can bring you.
what delight you can once again find in the simple.
I remember how to breathe (inhale-exhale)
my steps are patterned by my own desire, not that of another's.
I have taken my liberty and I have decided to run
I will not be drawn back or distracted.
Wasted time is no longer an option.
I belong to me. I am mine.
On this day I declare peaceful freedom. My name is Anastasia and that means something. I will surely rise again. I was chosen for this day and age. I was chosen to live the life I have lived. I chose to make each and every decision that led up to misfortunes, disappointments, blessing, experiences. I may not have been fully in control of each step along the way but I did play a role in them. I have a purpose and I am determined to find what it is. Whether it be to make someone smile, or change the world. I will embrace what ever it maybe. I may still have broken pieces in me but I will mend. I maybe left with tarnishes and cracks but I will embrace each and every one because I know I fought to lift myself up. I had help along the way by a few of the most amazing people who I have ever encountered. I will be forever grateful. Words will never be able to fully express my gratitude. I thank you for helping me see that there was more to who i had become. XOXOXO Anastasia Marie
I have found myself to be quite sexist on certain things. Like swear words.. I really don't care about them when a man says them, unless it is just too much. Like every other word.. that just gets old. But when a woman, girl, female whatever has a potty mouth it really, really bugs me. I find it un-lady like and just not classy. I feel we as women should hold ourselves up and choose to be respectable. For years my sex wanted to be on the same level as a man but do we really need to sound and look like them? I feel men are supposed to be the man! If I am in a relationship I certainly do not want a man who sounds girlier than I do or I don't want to sounds more manly than he is. We really should stop referring to each other as Bitch, Hoe, Hooker, etc. I mean if we don't respect each other who will. You do not look tougher saying the F bomb. Now I am not saying that it is completely off limits but just keep it limited! Be beautiful inside and out. A bad mouth and attitude can make the prettiest of people look like garbage.
So today my friend April shared this with me and it meant a lot. She is helping to support the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). Please read her letter and consider donating to the cause. To many people die everyday for reasons we may not understand. It hurts my heart that people can feel so alone that they think there is no other way. I have had suicide touch close to me and every year it seems more and more people choose to use it as an escape. So many young people especially. The causes are vast and wide but if we can just help one person it will be worth it. Fight for life. Remember to always consider other people. You have no idea what is going on in others' lives. They could feel that they are on their last limb and you would never know. We have become masters of disguise. We can fool others we are ok when we are beyond broken and lost. Smile and people, say hello. We live in a lonely world where electronics and work control our everyday. God Bless You and remember no amount is too small. Thank you so much for taking your time to read this. xoxoxo Anastasia
I will be joining with thousands of people nationwide this September to walk in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's (AFSP) Out of the Darkness Community Walk.
My personal fundraising goal is $150. I would appreciate any support that you give me for this worthwhile cause.
I lost my brother, Dalton, to suicide this past October. AFSP has provided me with information to help me understand my grieving process. They've also provided support and groups to connect with others who understand what we're going through. They've helped make a terrible situation, slightly better.
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is at the forefront of research, advocacy, education and prevention initiatives designed to reduce loss of life from suicide. With more than 38,000 lives lost each year in the U.S. and over one million worldwide, the importance of AFSP's mission has never been greater, nor our work more urgent.
I hope you will consider supporting my participation in this event. Any contribution will help the work of AFSP, and all donations are 100% tax deductible.
Donating online is safe and easy! To make an online donation click the "Support Me" link in this email and then click the "Support Me" button on my fundraising page. If you would rather donate by check please make the check payable to AFSP and mail it in with the offline donation form.
Thank you for considering this request for your support. If you have any questions about the Out of the Darkness Community Walks or AFSP do not hesitate to contact me (here) or visit
Today was my bugs birthday. He turned 2 today! I can't believe it. It blows my mind how much he picks up. I am so thankful he is in our lives. He knows how to brighten my day without even trying. I don't know what our family would be without him. My little Malachi. Just think in a few years he will be taller then me and no longer my little bug! I cannot think of such a day :( but for now I love his innocence. He has this obsession with trains and elmo. he loves to sing and dance. He just loves life. And I love him more then words can say. of course there are pictures of baby Emma because she is too cute to leave out! XOXOXO Anastasia
This Labor Day weekend has been pretty awesome.. I got to go to Lifelight this year and see some pretty incredible bands play. (For Today, Children 18:3, Flyleaf, Disciple, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, and I found a new band that I like. They are Phinehas!) I was pretty stoked when the lead singer followed my instagram. Like a giddy little girl, and to think its all because I spelled their band name wrong.. oops;) Anyways it is always a good time to hang out with my brothers especially when there is Epic music involved. I always tend to surprise people with my music.. but I like it like that. I may look girl but do I know how to rock! I was up close and personal for For Today and then I was so hyped I had to move to the back to dance and mosh. It was fantastic. People who don't understand moshing have never tried it! and if you have and still don't like it try doing it while your stressed or angry. It is a fantastic feeling releaser. I only fell once. The good thing about lifelight is people actually stop and help you up. I have seen people get trampled at other shows. By the end of the night we were filthy, sweaty and happy.