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Showing posts from March, 2012

self examination

Is it odd that just once I wish one person knew me. I mean ALL of me, inside and out. Even the parts I have forgotten about or have stashed away. I have this ball stuck on the inside and I don't know how to get rid of it. This wretched pain that is always there but I don't even know what it is. A prison that's deep inside. Things that have been locked up for so long, I forgot what they are but I feel them. I sometimes wish someone would make me sit there for hours and let me spill ME out. Even if it doesn't make sense. Just help me lose the broken parts of me. I know it's my fault because I have always took what came and stuffed it. I am good at pretending. Pretending it's a wonderful day. Pretending my smile is real. Pretending no one can hurt me. I pretend to be STRONG. Thinking of anyone being that close scares me beyond anything I can imagine. To be on that level of intimacy is nothing I can really comprehend but know I want. I am always afraid that of I di…

and then the world fell

Little piece of my world. On Valentines Day this year, my daddy was told he has Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma (a cancer that starts in cells called lymphocytes, which are part of the body's immune system). They have caught it early so they say it will be easy to get rid of. Like that is suppose to offer comfort. Cancer is cancer. The word itself is terrifying. They started him on chemo and right away they saw results. the tumor was shrinking fast. It was gonna be over with as fast as we found out about it. And then it started to grow back. So now they are trying out a different chemo to see how he reacts and how it affects the cancer.

     It scares me to death to picture a world without him and lingering on it brings me to tears. By blood I am not his but that doesn't make him less of my father. He has been the only man who has showed me what it's like to have a responsible male adult in my life. He took my mother my siblings and I in and made us his own. I am a daddy's…

go away

old demons are hard to kill.they just keep coming back full circle... they'll never be completely gone.


What is a true friend? Lately I have been thinking deeply about this. Growing up, I've always considered myself to be a good friend (when you are a friend). Of course I've had my selfish moments but who hasn't? It's what makes us human. I didn't listen when I should, or noticed when someone was hurting because I was so focused on myself. But for the most part I was always the one on the front lines willing to fight every ones battles for them. My mentality was and still is "you mess with my friends, you mess with me". I've gotten a lot smarter though on choosing what battles I should get into. You get yourself in a mess over and over again and still don't learn your lesson, there is nothing I can do for you. The older I get the more I have noticed that I seem to be the only one who thinks like this. I know that's not completely true but it feels like it. I would take the fall for things my "friends" did, all the while thinking they w…


I think I've developed an unhealthy addiction to red lipstick/gloss

forbidden fruit.

[forbidden fruit]
The forbidden apple is stringed so delicately within my reach
one bite,just one.

I try savoring its scent from afar.

Do I dare touch.
I want, no I need to break its precious skin with my teeth.
To have the sweet nectar slip past my lips and dribble on my skin.

Each bite would be more delightful than the last.
My head runs in circle as I fight with my inner being.
How enticing.
this apple, it teases me so.

Love this! written by Tanya Amidei

Public Declaration; I NO longer believe in falling/being in love: As I was walking to work this morning I was convicted and reproved for ignorantly believing that I could "fall in love". Love is NOT something you fall into; this pulsing truth wouldn't silence. Now, you can imagine how I felt as the conviction in my heart arose; slightly defensive because certainly I've been defining love properly, right? So, I decided that it was my responsibility to pierce into the Word of my Father, and search to see if this concept of "falling in love" or "being in love" is something that I should indeed attach my life to. Now, it was to my surprise that this concept of emotional intoxication that motivates the lips to part and the tongue to say "I'm in love" is NOWHERE to be found! In fact, as I dug into research I found that this concept; the one I've been guilty of co-signing my name to, is nothing more than lust. Lust is built on what the …