Wednesday, March 28, 2012

self examination

Is it odd that just once I wish one person knew me. I mean ALL of me, inside and out. Even the parts I have forgotten about or have stashed away. I have this ball stuck on the inside and I don't know how to get rid of it. This wretched pain that is always there but I don't even know what it is. A prison that's deep inside. Things that have been locked up for so long, I forgot what they are but I feel them. I sometimes wish someone would make me sit there for hours and let me spill ME out. Even if it doesn't make sense. Just help me lose the broken parts of me. I know it's my fault because I have always took what came and stuffed it. I am good at pretending. Pretending it's a wonderful day. Pretending my smile is real. Pretending no one can hurt me. I pretend to be STRONG. Thinking of anyone being that close scares me beyond anything I can imagine. To be on that level of intimacy is nothing I can really comprehend but know I want. I am always afraid that of I did finally spill out to someone, they will treat me like a leper.
There is always the thought of never being good enough. I don't consider myself a beautiful person and the fact that I am realizing that hurts. There is so much I want to write but even here I know I have to hold back..