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lost family?

Me, Ariel,Angela, mom, Adriana, Julia
Julia n I






Aniyah N I




Alex, me and Andy



This past April i got to go on a road trip back to my birthplace... wonderful Grand Island Nebraska.. Yes it's true im a true nebraskan.. laugh it up.. on my way there i was beyond nervous. it was my first time back in years and i was going to re-meet people that all knew me but i had no clue who they were. Well some i knew who they were i just didnt know them. I also got to meet a few cousins from my dads side. (keep in mind i know nothing about my fathers side of the family being that i havent seen him since i was about 5). So you can imagine how nerve wrecking it was and how filled with anticipation and anxious i felt. So I took this 4 hour long trip, my mother and I. As I came close to town my stomach was jumping all over inside my body and my heart beat sooo super fast! Driving in town was like remembering a distant dream. it was things and places i barely remember but knew that i had been there before. some memories crept up and others im sure kept silent. We pull into this apartment complex. I have no idea what to expect or who's going to be there. we walk into some strangers house and i sit on a strange couch. Anyone who knows me knows im am not the least bit shy. but i just didnt know what to do or say. which is a first.. me not knowing what to say, that just doesnt happen.
my mother talks to maryann (an old friend of mothers growing up) and in walks one of her daughters Julia and my unknown cousin Alex (they are dating).. I had been talking to Julia on myspace some, trying to find out about my family so that wasnt to awkward. this is the first time i really met my cousin and i loved him.. though hes one of those people who pretend to be tough when really he's the biggest softy..:] we clicked so fast... neither one of us like to shutup..
so most of my life i didnt want anything to do with my dad. but this made me curious. i knew alex talked to his dad so i figured why cant i at least talk to mine. so my mom told me that he was in jail in texas last she knew. so we looked for him. and without success.. so i asked Alex to ask his dad. and he told me that he wasnt in jail anymore that he was somewhere in Mexico and he had no way of getting ahold of him... wow.. there goes any hope of finding him.. i take alot of this personally because how can your brothers have no way of getting in contact with you!?!? i mean come on really? it sounds fishy to me. and so i kept trying to tell myself dont get your hopes up. but what am i hoping for? i wouldnt even know what to say or how to feel. am i supposed to be angry? maybe sad? or even happy? i dont even know. but as of now i know nothing of him and who he is. i know that i have other siblings out there. and there is so much family that i have to meet. but the chances are slim. but in a strange way i want to meet him.. or at least walk by him. will he know who i am? would he give me a second glance? whho knows? but for now this is all i got..

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bedtime music, can you see what kind of mood i am in. ;)