Skip to main content

dear apathy where are you?

I scramble trying to fix myself.
Trying to kick back the desire to just bleed. 
all day i was fine and then when night falls i fall to pieces.
 pathetic little dull pieces.
The line i have drawn seems to have split me into two. My head screams and my body aches. I don't even really know how to feel, how not to feel.. am i supposed to be crying like this??? am i supposed to be angry and disgusted. disgusted with who i am. disgusted with how i feel. My rage yells at my weakness.
Worth, what is self worth anyways. I know we shouldn't base it on what others see... but lets be honest that's what we do. We look to others for direction. we measure our selves with what people tend to see. 
life's full of hurts and disappointments. that i know but when does it stop. when can there just be some peace.
every time i try and sew up one seeping wound another tends to open. why can't i just lose my heart and never find it again i don't want feeling. or emotion. Why is emptiness so much harder to find? 
i wish i could go back to the deep places in my head. so i wont have to remember what this feels like. 
i don't know if i ever want this again. i don't know if i will ever try again. right now the world is chaos and i am in the eye of a storm just waiting to be sucked up in the debris. 
oh how so many things are now forbidden to me. time will pass i may heal, i may scar, i may bleed from time to time but i know it will never go away...  

Popular posts from this blog

Oh Me Oh My

Life, its been quite the journey. As much as I've wanted to get back at this again, I have also been avoiding it. There has just been so much that has happened from my time in North Carolina until now. This is somewhat of a recap I suppose. I left NC with a lot of unwanted baggage. I say this in the most metaphorical way possible.
As most of you all know. I was married to a marine and we lived out in Camp Lejeune. It was a pretty awesome stay as far as the friends and opportunities I had.  Unfortunately it was short lived due to my ex-husband not being a very nice person and to some of the PTSD he suffered from that went untreated. Basically the relationship was toxic and abusive. So much so that I lost a lot of who I was in always being on the defensive and sticking up for myself. I'm not saying that is was all his fault. Just as in any relationship, both parties are responsible for nurturing or poisoning. So here I am almost 5 years later living my life and loving it.
      …

Love this! written by Tanya Amidei

Public Declaration; I NO longer believe in falling/being in love: As I was walking to work this morning I was convicted and reproved for ignorantly believing that I could "fall in love". Love is NOT something you fall into; this pulsing truth wouldn't silence. Now, you can imagine how I felt as the conviction in my heart arose; slightly defensive because certainly I've been defining love properly, right? So, I decided that it was my responsibility to pierce into the Word of my Father, and search to see if this concept of "falling in love" or "being in love" is something that I should indeed attach my life to. Now, it was to my surprise that this concept of emotional intoxication that motivates the lips to part and the tongue to say "I'm in love" is NOWHERE to be found! In fact, as I dug into research I found that this concept; the one I've been guilty of co-signing my name to, is nothing more than lust. Lust is built on what the …

bedtime music, can you see what kind of mood i am in. ;)