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dear apathy where are you?

I scramble trying to fix myself.
Trying to kick back the desire to just bleed. 
all day i was fine and then when night falls i fall to pieces.
 pathetic little dull pieces.
The line i have drawn seems to have split me into two. My head screams and my body aches. I don't even really know how to feel, how not to feel.. am i supposed to be crying like this??? am i supposed to be angry and disgusted. disgusted with who i am. disgusted with how i feel. My rage yells at my weakness.
Worth, what is self worth anyways. I know we shouldn't base it on what others see... but lets be honest that's what we do. We look to others for direction. we measure our selves with what people tend to see. 
life's full of hurts and disappointments. that i know but when does it stop. when can there just be some peace.
every time i try and sew up one seeping wound another tends to open. why can't i just lose my heart and never find it again i don't want feeling. or emotion. Why is emptiness so much harder to find? 
i wish i could go back to the deep places in my head. so i wont have to remember what this feels like. 
i don't know if i ever want this again. i don't know if i will ever try again. right now the world is chaos and i am in the eye of a storm just waiting to be sucked up in the debris. 
oh how so many things are now forbidden to me. time will pass i may heal, i may scar, i may bleed from time to time but i know it will never go away...  

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