I have come to the point in my life where I am starting a new chapter. Not just any chapter. it's one I feel that will define where and what I do for the rest of my life. I am a mess right now and I know I have to figure out where the tracks to my life are but once I get on you better believe there is no stopping me. I have goals that I have decided to set and I am going to write them down, try to carry them with me everywhere I go just as a reminder that I am working for something. There is always a reason for things and why they happen. I may not know what comes next but I will embrace it with as much as I can. Refocus my life. I know that pain is for a reason and only for a season. I just hope this season passes quickly. I have to keep telling myself that change is a good thing even if its painful. Eventually I hope I can be completely honest on here but for right now I have to keep some discretion. I need complete healing but I don't really know how to get it. My God is bigger than my problems. This I know and believe will my whole heart. I will become more than I am now. I will be stronger than I am and have the courage I need to step out and make my way. Some things are just not what we think they should be in life and it's ok. I know its ok to feel, to cry, to scream, to just keep going. but I wish things were easier than this. I suppose if it were easy to handle I wouldn't learn nearly as much. I am terrified, emotional, heartbroken, angry, anxious, and silent. throughout today i found times to keep my mind busy but when i couldn't i was pacing and crying. i finally had to step away from the world and clear my head. so here i am after a movie and thoughts. I feel weird talking to the world yet only to myself but this is my beginning. pleasant dreams
Sometime I wish people would learn not to underestimate me. When I want to get somewhere or get something accomplished I am very capable of doing so. Of course there are always limitations and set backs but I know how to push through it. I lived in a time where our money was tight and we had very little but we made it through.. Just because I am where I am today and don't look like i have ever had to fight my way out of the bottom doesn't mean anything. Looks can and are deceiving. Of course I don't believe in telling what most would call a "sob" story. I am not one who looks for a pity party.. But please know that I do know what it is like to go without in many aspects. I embrace that time in my life and it has taught me to be thankful of what I have. I will never forget it but I also will never return. Was it by choice and my own doing?? Of course not, who chooses to go without? Being born into it is one thing.. but staying in it is another. We all make decision...
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